Christmas Moved to July by Congressional Order

In a secret session of the House of Congress, Christmas Day has been moved to July 21 this year (the 3rd Monday in July every year). This will coincide with revelations from current biblical scholars that put the birth of Christ on approximately this date.

According to the Uniform Monday Holiday Act, enacted by Congress in June 28, 1968 all national holidays are to be observed on a Monday in order for workers to take time off for a three day weekend. Martin Luther King’s birthday, Columbus Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day and Washington’s Birthday are all observed on Mondays (though for some this is not the actual date).

According to the Washington Post, Congress decided to move on this agenda quickly and outside of public view because the initial repercussions are expected to receive a large outcry especially on social media.

But, according to an unnamed U. S. Congressman from the 5th congressional district in Alabama, “Jesus Christ our Lord deserves a proper birthday celebration on the actual date of His birth.”

Biblical scholars from Rutgers, Oxford, Stanford and Harvard along with Pope Francis have convened to authenticate this latest biblical revelation. Several recently unsealed documents, collectively known as the poisson d’avril coincide and corroborate one another. By order of the Senate Subcommittee overseeing the Holidays Reformation Act of 1957, Black Friday has also been moved to the first Friday in July.

Note: This story is to be embargoed until April 1, 2014. Then, feel free to, “bargo” away. And, while you’re at it, say “Happy Fish Day” to friends and family.